Spark

I am a
tumbling
fumbling
mumbling
bumbling
mess.
With a spark inside
brought to life
by a woman whose joy breached pain.
More than a learned skill,
A choice.
A choice she made to sacrifice
her physical comfort for me
in life and death.
She gave joy to me.
Now this spark stays &
I am a
burning
flaming
blazing
glowing
mess.
An unwavering human mess.
Happy to share
my Mother’s Joy.

Is that you? In the wind?

Mommy, 
I like to think that sometimes you are the wind

Or there’s a machine to control the wind 

and you get a turn.

When my toes are in the sand & a rush hits my shoulders, I think of you.

When I feel the wind on my cheek, I think of you.

When a gust wraps its arms around me in the street, I think of you.

You’re always there: watching & guiding & whispering.

I quiet the world,I can hear you. 

I hear you in breath, I feel you in a breeze.

You’re love is a guiding wind.

It grew so great that you had to leave

so you could be everywhere.

Everlasting, Eternal air.

Finding myself

Looking in the mirror

trying to see a change in my face.
These dark thoughts are a trap

and I’m sitting here wrapped,

enveloped in them.
Thoughts of isolation 

I cannot entertain.

I wonder if you can see 

any of the pain.
if I had a journalistic mind

then I could see a why

or dig deep till 

the hard to swallow pill of reality 

falls from the sky.
it’s in these thought traps 

that I could spiral

till the dark craves a spark,

a light to rival.
Positivity is a means of survival.
It sneaks in when the sun is low

and thoughts are too

till everything glows

and I’m made new.
I crave the light 

like I’m drowning under water.

my next breath a hug,

an embrace I didn’t know I needed.

Though this face didn’t betray the cry,

my heart must have pleaded.
Looking in the mirror

and I catch a light 

that’d be useful in navigating

these thoughts in the night. 

Gratefulness

Beholden to my Mother.

I’d say that’s true.

For loving me so much she’d rinse my crying eyes of shampoo.

Beholden to my Father.

For there’s no doubt 

that he opened the door for all the laughter the world would allow.

Beholden to my sisters.

There’s no room to question

that they’d cross the universe with me at the slightest suggestion.

Beholden to my brother.

For that is certain.

His smile fills the room like the sun when you draw back the curtains.

Beholden to my Grandmother,

I’ll always believe

her spirits larger than anything I could conceive.

Beholden to my heart 

with no hesitation 

Their love fills it with a joy beyond explanation.

I spoke on stage for the first time & I didn’t die 


I spoke at an open mic for the first time in a long time at Busboys. It was a poem that I’d written for my Dad’s birthday in March but been too nervous to share. 

I was given a voice & I can’t let fear be the thing to halt me & keep me from moving forward. 

Fear has been a driving force in my life and has informed too many of my behavioral choices to the point that it’s ingrained in me. Fearful thoughts are the first thing I hear. With that fact echoing in my head, I still have to step forward. I won’t grow if I don’t. 

And my biggest fear is being stuck. Never growing. I have to hush these voices if I want to step into the light, out of my comfort zone towards true authenticity. 
There is no other option. My parents cannot speak, so I speak for them. I won’t let fear blind the path of potential any longer. Sure, I’ll always be afraid, but I won’t let that be a reason for me not to speak. I will feel that fear & go. Feel the fear & go. Go.

Connection In the in-between

The last I held my mothers hand, her fingers intertwined with mine. Our hands were exactly the same size. It was like holding my own hand.
I realized ,in some way, my sisters and I were stepping into a place that my mother was moving away from. Her hand was my hand and it’d never fit so perfectly before.

Since then, I’ve looked everywhere for that fit.We love those who fit the peculiar voids within us, our hollow wounds. We love to fill the spaces old loved ones left behind. This filling feeling that I feel is never permanent (though it lingers). It comes and goes in comfortable familiarity with friends or strangers, a connection brought on by raw openness and honesty, and in moments of reflection. I live for those moments, but that doesn’t mean I feel lost in the between. Seeking these moments of connection, between the spaces, is thrilling. It’s an adventure that began the first time I held my mothers hand and mine only wrapped around one of her fingers. Though, I don’t physically hold everyone’s hand that I meet, it is in that moment of authenticity and genuine happiness that I feel the warmth of the spirit of humanity’s hand, tugging mine to wander the uncharted. I will follow.

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Sometimes you need to hit the lowest of low points

My Aunt Passed away last night. It all happened in a day. The last I spoke to her she was fine: laughing, dancing, and….yes drinking. She was always a source of light in any room and she was often the person I went to in my own low points. She was always there for me, as she was for everyone.

My family and I stayed in the hospital practically all day yesterday while she was in a coma. It was sudden and unexpected. My whole family is close-knit. We don’t understand the meaning of extended in our family. We hoped and prayed and prayed some more.

When she died I wailed, loud. I cried harder than I can remember. I couldn’t walk or move. All I wanted to do was crumple within myself and cry.

I not only cried for the loss of my aunt, but for the pain of losing my mother made raw again. I felt as if they both died last night. And I felt selfish for thinking it.

No one expects this type of thing. No one wants this type of thing.

You wouldn’t look at my Aunt Desoree, or my Mother, and associate them with death. They were so full of life that they seemed immortal.

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I am overwhelmed by a feeling of helplessness.I feel as if all the most wonderful people in my life are leaving me behind. But, I understand the importance of living my life the best I can. I understand the importance of making life easier for those around me and those who are not as fortunate as  I am.

It is not about me. It is greater than me.

I am blessed to have the family I have and the support system I have. I have lost 4 important people in my life in 1 1/2 years, but I feel they have left a hell of a great example. I will continue to try to be even half as amazing as they were. I’m not calling them saints, but their open-ness about their flaws and their love towards everyone made me feel as if they were truly angels on earth.

I appreciate every moment I’m given. I do not intend to waste a second stuck in one spot. Whether that spot be depression, complacency .etc. With the family I have, my life will continue to be filled with laughter, generosity, and love. I am not just living for myself. I am living to carry on a legacy that will last for generations to come.I am rising above my circumstance and finding strength when I feel weaker then I ever have. I have no choice but to take on the challenge. If we don’t, then who will?

I have no choice but to move forward…