I’m sitting in my unfinished closet.
In the middle of my room sits a faucet.
I’m ready, open, and embracing change.
any form will do.
Feels oh so good to smile at the sun
and feel it smiling back too.
My closet’s calming.
I could sit here for days.
But there’s life beyond this calming paint-
A rainbow of mints, oranges, greens & grays.
I find the longer life gets,
the more colors I’ll see.
In smiles, in hearts, in closets,
and sometimes in me.
Looking in the mirror
trying to see a change in my face.
These dark thoughts are a trap
and I’m sitting here wrapped,
enveloped in them.
Thoughts of isolation
I cannot entertain.
I wonder if you can see
any of the pain.
if I had a journalistic mind
then I could see a why
or dig deep till
the hard to swallow pill of reality
falls from the sky.
it’s in these thought traps
that I could spiral
till the dark craves a spark,
a light to rival.
Positivity is a means of survival.
It sneaks in when the sun is low
and thoughts are too
till everything glows
and I’m made new.
I crave the light
like I’m drowning under water.
my next breath a hug,
an embrace I didn’t know I needed.
Though this face didn’t betray the cry,
my heart must have pleaded.
Looking in the mirror
and I catch a light
that’d be useful in navigating
these thoughts in the night.
Beholden to my Mother.
I’d say that’s true.
For loving me so much she’d rinse my crying eyes of shampoo.
Beholden to my Father.
For there’s no doubt
that he opened the door for all the laughter the world would allow.
Beholden to my sisters.
There’s no room to question
that they’d cross the universe with me at the slightest suggestion.
Beholden to my brother.
For that is certain.
His smile fills the room like the sun when you draw back the curtains.
Beholden to my Grandmother,
I’ll always believe
her spirits larger than anything I could conceive.
Beholden to my heart
with no hesitation
Their love fills it with a joy beyond explanation.
I was given a voice & I can’t let fear be the thing to halt me & keep me from moving forward.
Fear has been a driving force in my life and has informed too many of my behavioral choices to the point that it’s ingrained in me. Fearful thoughts are the first thing I hear. With that fact echoing in my head, I still have to step forward. I won’t grow if I don’t.
And my biggest fear is being stuck. Never growing. I have to hush these voices if I want to step into the light, out of my comfort zone towards true authenticity.
There is no other option. My parents cannot speak, so I speak for them. I won’t let fear blind the path of potential any longer. Sure, I’ll always be afraid, but I won’t let that be a reason for me not to speak. I will feel that fear & go. Feel the fear & go. Go.
Happy Birthday to the strongest, funniest, and wildest woman I ever knew. Happy Birthday to the woman who taught me how to walk, laugh & listen with my heart. Happy Birthday to my best friend, my reason for living, & my source of strength. I love you with every single part of me – from my toes to my lungs. Happy 50th Birthday Mommy, Tovoia, Tinka! 💕💕💕 We’ll see eachother again one day.
I had a mother. Sometimes I can’t remember her looks
To spark my brain, I look thru her bins of Polaroids and unfinished photo-books
Her smile presents flashes of times, distorted, but shared
Slender hands, big laugh and coiled dark hair
Time passes, my eyes close, and her face leaves again
In darkness, I see her nose, more distinct now than it was then.
Large, to the point of cartoonish, I know it’s only in my mind’s eye.
It’s shiny, sharp, and Latin and death-defyingly high.
My brain forgets a face, but remembers a nose that stands tall.
I’d rather have this piece of her than nothing at all.
Now, hope clings tight for memories to come.
What’s next to find? An eyebrow? A thumb?
Any reminder of her presence will satisfy me now.
Until the ache of loss is overcome by all the joy the universe will allow.
I have a mother and she has me too.
Time steals memories, but Angels can make them new.
On Valentine’s Day, I think of my Dad. When I was in the 6th grade, my father surprised us with teddy bears, chocolate, and flowers at school. Every Valentine’s Day & every day since I can remember, it wasn’t always surprise flowers, but an experience of a distinctive friendship.
In March, it will be 2 years since he passed and though I will cry today, it will not only be from sadness, but from the overwhelming rush of fond memories. Valentine’s Day means different things to different people but for me it represents my father’s hugs, laughter, energy, and love. Valentine’s Day is riding around and screaming along to oldies with the windows down. Its hand dancing with him. It’s listening to his advice & his encouragement & feeling in my heart how much he loved us in his actions.