Sometimes you need to hit the lowest of low points

My Aunt Passed away last night. It all happened in a day. The last I spoke to her she was fine: laughing, dancing, and….yes drinking. She was always a source of light in any room and she was often the person I went to in my own low points. She was always there for me, as she was for everyone.

My family and I stayed in the hospital practically all day yesterday while she was in a coma. It was sudden and unexpected. My whole family is close-knit. We don’t understand the meaning of extended in our family. We hoped and prayed and prayed some more.

When she died I wailed, loud. I cried harder than I can remember. I couldn’t walk or move. All I wanted to do was crumple within myself and cry.

I not only cried for the loss of my aunt, but for the pain of losing my mother made raw again. I felt as if they both died last night. And I felt selfish for thinking it.

No one expects this type of thing. No one wants this type of thing.

You wouldn’t look at my Aunt Desoree, or my Mother, and associate them with death. They were so full of life that they seemed immortal.

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I am overwhelmed by a feeling of helplessness.I feel as if all the most wonderful people in my life are leaving me behind. But, I understand the importance of living my life the best I can. I understand the importance of making life easier for those around me and those who are not as fortunate as  I am.

It is not about me. It is greater than me.

I am blessed to have the family I have and the support system I have. I have lost 4 important people in my life in 1 1/2 years, but I feel they have left a hell of a great example. I will continue to try to be even half as amazing as they were. I’m not calling them saints, but their open-ness about their flaws and their love towards everyone made me feel as if they were truly angels on earth.

I appreciate every moment I’m given. I do not intend to waste a second stuck in one spot. Whether that spot be depression, complacency .etc. With the family I have, my life will continue to be filled with laughter, generosity, and love. I am not just living for myself. I am living to carry on a legacy that will last for generations to come.I am rising above my circumstance and finding strength when I feel weaker then I ever have. I have no choice but to take on the challenge. If we don’t, then who will?

I have no choice but to move forward…

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